Freakin ImPoRtAnT

It has been awhile since I have been with the commnity...but, I need help.  I am in the process of trying to formulate a non-profit, federally funded organization for the human treatment of pets...i.e. animals.  I am kind of weary to make this post because I am not an animal freak in the since that I hate and will throw a jug of red paint on anyone that eats meat.  NOT ME.  I just know, have seen, experienced/s, been saddened by, and wish for a better life for pets.  Pets that come from a home that does not want them, never realizes that they are miss treating their pets, and wouldn't know the difference if they were in a better home.  ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE A DIFFERENCE. 

Those that know me from the past post will understand my drive and those that do not I hope you will understand.  All I want is ~~~ANY INFORMATION THAT WILL HELP ME ALONG MY WAY.

THANKS

JAE

It's Hard to Understand

I have lived many lives.  The stupid drunk and druggie.  The traveling hippy trying to find herself.  The quite other undecided on what she wants in her relationship.  What is life is my question?

WHAT IS LIFE?

What is the point on everything we do day in and day out.  Are we doing it for ourselves or is it for everyone else out there and what they think we should be doing.  I have been there and back.  I have had everything and then I have chosen to have nothing and it is difficult to tell the difference between the two different lives. 

I hate being analytical...I always have to have an answer and will not stand or sleep till I do. 

This is all so new to me.  And after what I had just experienced, I am actually goining from one life into another different and adjusting life. 

I love him, I want, if I can actually grasp the concept of living the rest of my life with him. 

I want a life.  I can't live forever leap frogging from one life to antoher.  I want to believe in something and hold strong to it. 

I need to remember I am who I am.  Good and bad included and I can't always ignor the bad, or scary or nurotic side of me.  I need to remember what makes me...me, is who I am. 

I am afraid to talk to him becuase, I think it is so stupid of a thing to get frustrated about that I should just ignor those feelings. 

I love change but I am also so afraid of it.  I want to change my life, but I always fall into the same traps set up for me to test me.  I learn how to acomplish the test but I forget to remember that I know who to do it.  Or when it comes to the same test I am afraid I am going to fail, I am afraid to step into the unknown.....I can't move on to the next level.  But, I can and I must. 

The unknown is where I went when I left.  I completly lost myself in myself.  The blocks I put up the make me close up, put myself in the box and the same path I have always been where lost to my conciouses ness.  I was free to not care what others think about me.  At first no becuas I worried about Ryan but once I lost the need to have him around and feel safe I leaped foward.  Without even thinking I decided to completly release myself from the bondage I put myself in.  Granted once you do that and you are me, you are easily caught in traps.  Because you will alwyas be yourself.  That is one things that is constant.  But, traps that close your thinking down, guide it, control it.  And that is what happened on the road.  Granted it was a beautiful trap and one that is life changing....it made be belive, then get beyond scared becuase things I felt and saw where beyond my imagination and believe becuase I was there but can't be becuse I am here. 

I can be free.  I can be myself.  I don't have to worry about loosing what I have gained becusae nothing is ever lost or gain it is experience and that can last forever.  Learing last forever and is a constant and that is what life and chance is.  I am learing to really love.  Love someone for who they are and what we have together.  Not, what we are doing or what other people think, or how much this is pushing the limits, or how different and crazy and who I think I should be acting like. 

I know he loves me for me.  And I can't let it die.  I can't let meloncoly set in and get stuck in glue.  Everything is changing, contantly.  It, a boy, can be the same but you are two people that are alive and changing into who they are. 

I am me becuase of everything and I am learing more who I am becuase I am paying attention.

I am done

I don't believe in God but, I do believe the universe works in mysterious manners.

I don't believe our path is set, I do believe that we choice what path we want and make it ours.

I don't believe that misfourtune is bad, I do believe that misfourtune will teach me a lesson.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back to random thought....I am what I am and will always be no matter how hard I try to be somthing else.  Granted I have learned more about who I am in the past year I still know what I am not.  What I am is bececoming something new and foreign to me. 

I have found love.  Well, at least something as close to the materialized love that existes in soceity. 

Lost the thoughts.....for now.

Peace Jae

What I would love to be able to do is give reason to the unreasonable. 

Find something solid to hold onto that will justify my feelings at the current moment.  Feeling that I know I will never act upon but haunt me ever waking moment when my mind slips into it self.  When memory lane takes ahold of my mind and off I go on another trip where time stops.  I get stuck in limbo.  Between the past and present.  Now and then.  Freedom and imprisonment. 

I always find my way off of memory lane and plummet back in to reality. 

I keep thinking writing about all my stories will help me find reason for my actions, reason within all my memories, reason to stay here in this reality and not jump back into the world beyond imagination. 

Find out why I did what I did and what I have learned from all the adventures.  Piece together all the moments, memories into a tale to tell.

Patience.  Only time will tell if I will ever write this story.

Peace Jae